


things that i just cannot explain (to you)

by bloobeary



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky is.......pure and confused, Everyone Needs A Hug, Everyone loves Steve, M/M, NONE OF THIS IS CANON COMPLIANT, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Steve is....Angry, also, and some angst, happy ending imo, i guess its
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-06
Updated: 2018-06-06
Packaged: 2019-05-04 19:18:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14599923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloobeary/pseuds/bloobeary
Summary: "Um, I--do you want to come inside?"Steve almost chokes on his tongue. "I...should go." Steve says finally, taking a step back. "I wish-" He starts, but then stops himself. There's too many things he wishes for to be able to condense it into a sentence.It feels like pulling glass out of a wound, walking away from him.**Set after TWS, where Bucky gets taken into custody, and Steve grows a depression beard.





	things that i just cannot explain (to you)

**Author's Note:**

> hey whats up you guys can you tell this is my new hyperfixation im thriving (not really but bear with me its a hyperbole we struggling writers do that sometimes)  
> also this rly isnt edited im just posting it bc i dont want to lose it so whatever read it or dont i cant tell u what to do im not ur dad

Steve gets the chip into the drive of the last helicarrier just as Bucky--no, the Winter Soldier ( _who the hell is Bucky?_ )-- yanks his ankle so hard Steve feels his hip pop. Steve can't feel the pain as he and his once best friend trade blows, and in the back of his mind it registers that the helicarrier they're on is falling quite spectacularly. The wind is rushing up from the shattered panes at the bottom, and Steve doesn't think as he sweeps the Winter Soldier's legs out from under him and aims a hard kick to his chest, sending him falling off the bridge and through the bottom of the ship. Steve follows, pinning his shield to his back and diving in. 

The impact must've knocked the wind out of him, because Steve can get his hand wrapped around his collar and pull him up to the surface, and then to the shore. He radioes in for back-up ( _he's down but not for long, bring sedatives_ ). Steve's ribs feel bruised, but he knows they'll fix themselves in no time. Bucky (no, not Bucky) isn't breathing, so Steve ignores all of his military instincts that say DO NOT revive the threat, and starts chest compressions. 

"C'mon Buck, dammit." Steve hisses when it's been about a minute and he's still not breathing. He tries a few more compressions, and just as he's at wit's end, tilting his chin back to give him mouth to mouth, he jerks, and violently coughs up what Steve feels like it a lakeful of water, and a bit of blood. It's nauseating.

As soon as he's calmed down enough, his eyes meet Steve's and his hand instinctively reaches for the knife strapped at his thigh, and Steve doesn't think twice before hitting him with his shield, hard. It knocks him out, breaks his nose, and effectively Steve's heart. He hates himself for it.

He has a hand on Bucky's stomach when his back up arrives, tear tracks down the lake grime on his face very apparent.

 

-

"Over my dead fucking body." Steve stands up, slamming his hands on the table loud enough for the comparatively tiny and infuriatingly British man in a suit to jump. They told Steve he was in charge. Bull-fucking-shit. They want to put Bucky back in cryo until they can find all the covert HYDRA bases and find something that deprograms him, as if he’s a fucking computer.

"Captain," He starts, but takes a step back.

"You wanna be the one to kill Captain America? I'd like to see you fucking try. I dare you." Steve all but growls, seeing red, walking towards where he's walking away from him.

Steve has his hands around his neck, feet a few inches off the ground. “Keep your filthy fucking hands off him.” He hisses through gritted teeth, and suddenly the door is being flung open and he feels something that feels suspiciously like a tranq hits the back of his neck. That doesn’t stall him. But Natasha’s thighs around his neck, those do.

-

He hasn't been this angry since the time Bucky came home with a black eye and a busted lip. Since he sat down on the couch and put a wet towel to his face and wouldn't let Steve look at it, since he slipped a wad of cash into the jar in the back cabinet when he thought Steve wasn't looking.

"I really should arrest you. You should be going to jail right now for assault and attempted murder." Tony's screaming, pacing across the room. Steve's shoulders are straining from where his hands are pinned behind him with reinforced cuffs--the kind the put on Bucky. He tries not to dwell on that. "You stupid son of a bitch," Tony yells again, just to get it out. 

Steve sighs and tilts his head back to look at the ceiling. There's a light on the upper left hand corner that's flickering. He's been in that room for what feels like days, and all of his inhibitions are thrown to the wind. "What if it were Pepper, Tony?" Steve asks, and he hears Tony stop his pacing.

"That's not even a comparison, Cap, you fucking--she's my girlfriend not my--" The look Steve gives him stops him dead in his sentence. "Oh," He whispers, and Steve can't help his snort.

"Yeah, oh." Steve says, and he's tired, and he knows he looks it. He hasn't slept in days, not since SHIELD came down, hasn't eaten, but has broken a lot of things, including his hands and a desk. That's when they cuffed him. Apparently he was causing a ruckus.

"I still gotta do something, put you on house arrest at least." Tony sits down, on the floor in his expensive looking suit, and sighs. Steve shrugs, nonplussed. Right now he's angry, and he doubts he'll ever stop being angry. "There's one more thing, Cap." Tony mumbles, and he's not looking at Steve, which makes him nervous. Tony doesn't have problems with confrontation--he'll tell the president to go fuck himself if he so pleases (almost did, once). 

"He might be under for...well, we don't know how long. I doubt they'll let you see him once he's out, though." He says quietly, and Steve feels his wrists break in the cuffs. 

-

Steve hasn't been out on assignment in years (two and a half, exactly), letting the shield collect dust in the armory save for when they find a big HYDRA base. Even then, he prefers his hands to the shield. He doesn't do well with taking orders from people that froze his best friend _again_. 

Natasha comes down into the gym in full gear just as Steve's warming up his third punching bag. "I'm not going." 

"Steve--" Nat sounds tired, like she picked the short straw. Last time it was Sam, and the time before that it was Wanda.

"I'm not _fucking_ going." 

"It's the last base, Cap. It's a big one, we think it's where they kept...him." She says quietly, and Steve's breath hitches as he hits the bag so hard it breaks off the chain and hits the wall. 

"Should've opened with that." Steve huffs and jogs past her and up the stairs to put his uniform on. It's not the same red-white-and-blue as before, but it still had a star on the chest that makes Steve want to gag, so he ripped it off. 

It got him a disapproving sigh from Tony.

 

.

The jet ride is short, and quiet. Just a few states over to DC. Clint and Natasha have been doing that weird wordless communication that they do, and Steve wants to scream. Thor's there, surprisingly. He must've gotten the brief summary, because he claps Steve on the shoulder and says "To feel pain is to be human. Luckily, I am not."

Wanda is sitting next to her brother, whose leg is bouncing so fast Steve can barely see it. 

It's a packed flight, what with Tony and his new kid (intern? Team member?) sitting in the front allegedly piloting it. He wears a red and blue suit, but he's not obnoxious. He, in fact introduced himself to Steve, saying he was a big fan ( _Hi Mr. Captain America, uh, Sir,_ ). He's from Queens, and Steve likes him.

He also reffered to Thor as _Thor, sir--I mean Mr. God, sir,_. 

 

The base is eerily quiet as Steve drops from the ceiling onto the floor. He's alone, the others having scattered to other entrance points. There's no one there as he creeps down the hall. There's an alarm blaring now, washing everything in red. Not that that's anything new to Steve, he's been seeing red for years. 

He takes out two guards as he approaches the main control room, and kicks the door down and gets socked in the jaw. He stumbles, taken by surprise, but he just gives the agent a look and hits back so hard he thinks he hears bone (not his) break.

There's a chair in the middle of the room with an apparatus around it, six inch long needles that make a head-cap that make Steve want to throw up. There's a leather strap over the seat, and Steve thinks he can see bite marks. He throws his shield into it just so he can stop looking.

The kid is basically walking on the walls, tying everyone down with whatever the hell comes out of his wrists, and Tony and Natasha are already pulling open file cabinets on the far wall.

Thor has his hammer on someone's chest, he's in a standard HYDRA uniform, but the detailing on the lapel tells Steve he was the man in charge. So he goes over to him and puts a foot on his neck. "Where is it?" He hisses, and the man just spits blood out at him. "Tell me where it is you son of a bitch." Steve growls, putting more pressure down, making him claw at his ankle.

He's making an ugly choking sound now, turning blue around the edges. Steve doesn't care. 

"Steve!" Tony barks out, and then he's getting hit in the chest by a suit clad hand, stumbling back. "You can't kill our biggest lead," Tony says, looking tired but understanding.

"I know that." Steve says, and steps past Tony to crouch by the commander's head. "I'm going to ask you nicely one more time. Where is it?"

He laughs again, blood coating his teeth red. His eyes flick to the left of the ceiling, and Steve looks at Tony to see if he caught it. He did, and he's signaling for his spider to go check it out. "He remembered you. But not anymore." The accent is grating to Steve's ears, bringing back too many memories. He throws a punch and breaks his nose, then again, knocks a tooth out. "Hail HYDRA." He musters out, and Steve drives his shield six inches into the concrete floor next to his head.

-

They find a thick leather bound notebook that Steve snatches immediately. "What does it say?" He asks Natasha, once they're on the jet. She leans over to scan the page, flipping a few before taking it away. Steve frowns and tries to take it back, but Nat throws it to Clint.

"Steve, I'm begging you not to look." Nat says, voice stern but eyes soft like the fingers she's pressing to Steve's wrist. He looks at Clint, holding the journal to his chest, then back at Nat, then at his hands.

"Okay." He whispers, resigned. "Just let me bring it in,"

-

"Please just let me see him," Steve begs when the notebook gets ripped away from his hands. "God, please let me see him, just, please let me see him." The little British man just looks at him for a really long time, and turns on his heels to walk away. 

Steve lurches after him but finds two men holding him back. He could take them, however, he could definitely not take both of the stun guns pressed to his neck. He writhes and screams so loud it feels like his throat will bleed. "For the love of God just let me see him I'll never ask for anything ever again just let me fucking see him."

The doors at the end of the hallway close, and Steve falls to his knees and lets himself openly sob. 

 

Tony's in the room that Agent Ross walks into, and he can hear Steve screaming from the hallway. The skin around his thumbs has been chewed raw and bloody. 

"He should be here and you fucking know it." Tony says to Ross, who sighs and hands the HYDRA notebook off to someone else. 

"You know damn well why I can't do that." Ross says and rolls back his shoulders. "He almost killed me." 

"He'd gladly do it again, and succeed this time." Natasha says from the shadows, and Ross jumps. 

"Who gave you clearance to be here?" He asks, and Natasha smiles, as if she needs clearance to be anywhere.

-

"He's alive, he's okay, he's doing well." Tony says, walking into Steve's room.

Steve's lying on the floor, his legs propped up on his bed. He has a picture of Bucky on his stomach--it's from an old newspaper clipping, one that's going yellow around the edges that Steve put in a frame as soon as he could. "Are they going to let me see him?"

Tony's silence is enough of an answer, and Steve gets up, ripping open his closet and finding a bag. "What are you doing?"

"I can't be here." Steve says, hands shaking as he pulls clothes off the hangers. "I can't be here and know that he's--I can't do it." 

Tony again doesn't say anything. "They didn't tell him anything." He says, finally, and Steve freezes. "He just, thinks he's been in a coma. He doesn't know, and the brain doctor smart people think it's imperative for him not to know." 

Steve grips a hanger so tight he snaps it in half. "He's a hundred years old, Tony, you don't think he'll find it odd when he can remember being in the war?" 

"He doesn't. Doesn't remember much--anything." Tony whispers, and Steve wants to scream, wants to break his hands again, wants to find Ross and really kill him this time.

But he braces his hands against the back of his closet instead, and takes a few deep breaths. "All the more reason for me to stay away." 

"Cap--"

"Enough." Steve barks, and turns around to face Tony. He looks oddly small for the room. "I am _tired_. I can't be here and know that Bucky's somewhere in the city and I can't see him, that I'll probably get taken out if I even think about it. It will kill me." Steve says, a rush of air like a deflating balloon. "Just, promise me you'll make sure he's alright, okay?"

Tony nods gravely, and Steve can at least find comfort in that. "Thank you," He breathes, and finishes packing. He has a suitcase and a duffel, surprised at how little he actually owns. "Please don't track the car." Steve adds as he walks past Tony, and he nods, giving him a few seconds before following him to the garage.

Nat's standing in the doorway once he's done shoving everything in the trunk, and she just gives him a hug. "Call Clint." She says quietly, and Steve nods, breathes in the smell of her shampoo for what may be the last time, and takes a step back. He doesn't hug Tony, feels like his heart will break too much if he does. Tony gives him a salute that he catches in the rear view mirror.

-

Steve finds a home near Clint's--near being a loose term, as all the land out there is huge, houses few and far between, but that's what Steve loves about it. He starts gardening, growing his own food so he doesn't have to go to the grocery store thirty minutes away. Maybe that makes him smart, maybe it makes him a recluse. Frankly, he doesn't care. 

On Sundays he takes a dish over the the Bartons', and they have dinner like some sort of paper maché family. Nat calls from time to time, sometimes catching Steve, sometimes not. The kids love him, love when he gives them piggy back rides around the yard or draws with them. Lila has a hand for it, Steve observes quietly, as she adds shadows to her drawing of the barn.

There's a herd of deer that live in the woods of Steve's backyard that he's managed to befriend to the point of the does bringing their tiny fawns up to his back porch so he can feed them strawberries, the stags however have yet to warm up to him; they just stand at the edge of the trees and glare at him.

He grows a beard, a full fantastic one that Cooper, Nathaniel, and Lila like to put wild flowers in when they bloom. Laura says that it suits him, Clint just says it makes his own face itch.

Steve can say he's peaceful, but he's not happy. Even on the best days there's still a nagging thought at the back of his mind that constantly worries about Bucky--if he's happy, if he's safe, if he can remember anything. 

It goes on like that, on loop for three years, so much so that the kids are barely kids anymore, and it hurts Steve's heart to see them grow up so much. Things are quiet, but his brain is definitely not.

-

**from: Unknown Number**

**i know you said don't text unless it's an emergency but the kid's 18th is coming up and it'd mean a lot to him if you could show up -TS**

Steve reads the message once, twice, and sighs. It means going back to New York, so he talks to Laura about it first, then Clint, then Nat over joint FaceTime. They all seem to agree that heading down for a weekend couldn't hurt (Although he voids Natasha's vote, since it's biased), plus Laura in particular thinks it would be good for him to see his old friends.

So he packs a bag into a car that is very much his and at the same time not, and doesn't shave the beard.

-

He's well into New York when he realizes he doesn't have a gift, so he pulls off and finds the nearest store that he faintly remembers sells clothes. He's way out of his depths here, as Nat and Wanda would always team up to buy him clothes ( _you dress like someone's dead grandpa, Steve_ ), and the thought makes his throat tighten.

He's standing in the men's clothing area, baseball cap on his head backwards, and he feels like he's drowning in various colognes. 

"Hey, pal, lookin' mighty confused there." The accent is slightly off from what Steve remembers, but it's still Brooklyn, and he could recognize it anywhere. It sends a chill down his spine. Steve doesn't know what to do. "D'ya need help?" He asks again, coming to stand next to him, and he's so close Steve could almost smell him.

"Uh," Steve stutters, and turns to look at the man standing next to him as if to make sure. And yeah, holy shit, it's Bucky. His skin is tanner, cheeks no longer hollow and hair shorter than the last time he saw him, looking painfully like he did back in the forties, despite the added height and muscle (Steve understands what it must've felt like in Austria, now). Steve wants to cry. He almost asks _what are you doing here, so far from Brooklyn, so far from home?_ but he settles for an eloquent "What?".

Bucky shrugs, putting his hands in his pockets. His grey henley sits just the right amount of tight over his chest. "Just offering to help, is all." Steve casts a glance down to his arm and can see the metal plating there. He wonders what they told him about that.

Steve gets the feeling that he's going to walk away if he doesn't say something, anything. "Yeah, uh, that'd be...nice." Steve almost yells, and Bucky's eyes go wide. "I'm--my friend's uh, kid? He's turning eighteen. Blanked on a present." 

Bucky nods and turns to the display to scan the clothes. Then Steve realizes they're standing in front of blazers, and wants to slap himself. "Aren't video games more eighteen year old speed?" 

Steve laughs and scrubs his hands over his face, partly because he's clueless, and partly because he needs to make sure he's not dreaming. Because he's had a lot of dreams just like this, of seeing Buck again. "I have no fuckin' idea." 

Bucky laughs too, and it's been so long since he's heard it that Steve doesn't know if he wants to scream or cry. Both, probably. "Do you know what he likes to do, at least?"

Swing around New York, kick ass, look at Nat and Thor and Tony like they're made of gold. "He's into like, photography I think? Or he was, last I saw him." Steve says, chewing the inside of his cheek. He remembers the camera he had at the compound, older than he was, film full of pictures of him and Bucky before the serum. It makes his chest tighten. "D'ya know where I can get film? Like for old cameras?"

Bucky's eyes go a little wide, and then he settles on his shoes. "There's a little shop in Brooklyn," He says, and Steve's knees almost give out. "I can give you the address, if you want." 

"Yeah that'd be great." Steve breathes out, and pats his pockets for a piece of paper, but can only find a pen.

Bucky chuckles as he takes it from him. "I was just gonna text it to you, but alright." He writes the address on the inside of Steve's forearm, sliding the sleeve of his shirt up to around his elbow. Steve doesn't breathe the whole time he does, the cold fingers of his left hand pressed to his elbow. The pen scrapes a little, but it's grounding.

Bucky hands the pen back to him, and Steve tries not to hold it so hard that it snaps in half. "Thanks uh," Steve stutters, and Bucky smiles at him.

"James," He says, holding his right hand out, and Steve has to swallow past the lump in his throat.

"Steve." He says, and shakes his hand. It's almost too much for him. "I should, uh, get going. Wouldn't want these store people to think I'm loitering." He says, very reluctantly pulling his hand away and showing it in his back pocket.

Bucky laughs. "Haven't heard that word in a while. Have fun at your party." He says, and Steve just stares at him, almost tells him to come with. 

"Thanks," He manages, and turns on his heels, all but running out of the building. Once he's in the car he holds both of his hands over his mouth to force himself to breathe through his nose and not hyperventilate.

.

He finds the shop easily enough, and asks for two rolls of the film he knows will fit into the camera, and as he waits, he can't help but close his eyes and take a deep breath. The smell is almost identical to what Steve remembers film shops smelling like back when he could barely afford rent let alone film.

The lady comes back with two little boxes, and Steve smiles kindly at her as he peels off bills to pay for it. He hasn't used a card in years.

"Have a nice day, son." She says, smiling and giving him a wave as he walks out.

.

Steve's running a little late, so he sneaks in through the back, finding his way to the basement without getting caught. Jarvis greets him when he walks into his old room, and Steve nearly jumps out of his skin. 

"Would you like me to inform Mr. Stark that you have arrived?"

"No," Steve exhales, "Not yet."

"Alright, sir."

Then it's quiet again, and Steve finds it surprising that his room is the same as he left it. Steve had figured that Tony would repurpose it. 

Steve grabs a box from the top shelf of his closet, and has to blink a few times as the dust around the lid goes up in a puff. There's a lot of memorabilia in there, a lot of newspaper clippings, Bucky's old dog tags. Steve brushes his fingers over them softly before slipping them over his head and tucking them under his shirt.

He finds the camera at the bottom of the box, old but still in good condition. He takes out the roll of film in it, slides it into a canister and puts it in his pocket. He'll have to find a way to develop those when he's back at his house.

He puts the box back into the closet, closes the door and turns around, nearly dropping everything in his hands when he sees Natasha standing in the doorway, left shoulder pressed against the frame, arms and ankles crossed. "Jesus H. Christ, Nat." Steve breathes, and Natasha laughs.

"What, you didn't hear me come in?" She asks, tilting her head to the side in feigned confusion. Steve just shakes his head and walks over to her to give her a hug.

"Your beard is itchy." Nat says, voice muffled where her face is smushed against the hollow of Steve's neck.

They pull apart, and Steve suddenly feels really underdressed in his baseball tee and jeans in comparison to Nat's maroon dress. He opens his mouth to say something, but Nat, the mindreader she is, pulls a shirt out from behind her. It's light blue and buttons down the front. "You change. I'll find something to wrap these in." She says, taking the camera and film from him, leaving as quietly as she came, even in heels. Steve supposes it's from years of assassin work.

Peter's sitting outside by the fire with May and Pepper, and Steve realizes that none of his friends would've been able to come given the whole secret identity thing. It makes him a little sad. 

"Captain!" Thor booms once he sees Steve, and Steve flinches a little. He hasn't been around noises like that for a while. He's out of touch. Everyone turns to look at him then, and Steve just stands frozen on the stairs, and finally manages a wave.

"Hi--" He starts, but gets cut off as Thor embraces him in a hug. "Missed you too," Steve wheezes once he's been let go of, Thor kissing his forehead before passing him off to the rest of the group. Everyone gets a hug, and when Steve rounds to hug Tony, he tries to decline, but accepts it anyways. 

Steve's heart feels like it weighs less than a ton for the first time in a while. Peter's sitting up straight now, eyes wide and trained on Steve through the glass like he's a moving statue--in some ways, he is. "Better go say hello," Steve says, excusing himself from the group and going outside. 

When Pepper sees Steve she all but squeals, standing to give him a tight hug. "'Bout time you came home." She says, and Steve doesn't say that he hasn't felt at home since he was defrosted. "I can't deal with Tony all by myself." She says dramatically, and Steve laughs.

"You say that like he ever listened to me." Steve chuckles, and Pepper rolls her eyes. 

"Hi ma'am, I'm Steve." He says, shaking May's hand. 

"Steve--as in Rogers? As in Captain America?" She stutters, and Steve notices Peter blush.

"Not anymore, miss, now I'm just Steve." He says humbly, and she just keeps gaping up at him.

When Steve turns to Peter he's already standing. "Hi, sir," He says, holding out a hand, but Steve laughs and pulls him in for a hug.

"Happy birthday, kid." He says, and he can feel Peter's fists on his back relax. "Nat has your gift inside if you wanna go get it. Just uh, be careful with it, kay? It's kind of special." Steve explains, and Peter's eyes go comically wide before he nods dutifully and runs inside. Steve almost follows but Pepper pulls him down onto the couch and demands he give her a recap of the last three years.

He does, eventually, manage to get to Peter, who's sitting on the couch with the camera in his hands, held gently like a newborn."What'd you think?"

The look on his face is worth more than a thousand words, and he gets a little teary eyed when Steve tells him that it's very important to take pictures of what you love. So Peter walks out and takes a picture of May, and then of the whole group together, without him, because he's an angel.

It's beginning to die down, Pepper asleep on Tony's shoulder, Pietro passed out over Wanda's lap, so Steve says goodnight, and heads upstairs.

"You're staying the night, right?" Tony asks from the doorway as Steve gets to his room. It sounds like a plea, and Steve realizes then that even though he and Tony fought a lot ( _a lot_ ), they were the closest out of all of them besides Clint and Natasha.

"For the weekend, maybe." Steve says, and Tony's shoulders fall.

"That's good," Tony says, nodding and looking around the dark room. "If you need anything just, you know. Yell." He says, and Steve laughs.

Steve sits on the bed and opens his mouth to say something, but then closes it upon second thought. He debates on whether he should tell Tony about seeing Bucky, if it'll compromise his integrity at all when he has to report in.

"Tony," Steve starts, his voice shaking; he feels that if he doesn't tell anyone, he might explode. "I--I saw him." The words leave his ears ringing, and Tony sits on the bed next to him. "He--he came up to me, I swear, I didn't mean to." His hands are shaking, so he pins them between his thighs. 

"I'm sorry, Steve." tony says quietly, and Steve bites his bottom lip, hard enough to taste blood. "I'll--we can talk tomorrow, okay? When I'm not seeing tiny dancing penguins from Thor's stupid space booze." He says, and Steve just nods gravely. Tony puts a hand on Steve's shoulder, gives it a squeeze and then leaves, closing the door behind him.

.

Steve goes out for a run the next morning, early enough for it to be light, but not early enough for people to start flooding the streets yet.

He loses track of how far he runs, but he's well into the city now, and his stomach is all but screaming at him, so he stops at a coffee shop and buys a muffin. 

Steve's throwing the wrapper away when he looks up and sees him sitting there, at one of the tables outside the café, book open on the wire table, coffee in his hands. Bucky's looking straight at him, and Steve thinks he should probably just leave. But then Bucky's standing, taking the few steps over to him, and giving him a smile so familiar that Steve's heart skips.

"You followin' me?" Bucky asks, and that makes Steve panic.

He takes a step back. "No. No, of course not why would I do that?" He says, all rushed, eyes scanning everyone in sight to see if anyone's tapping a comm, if anyone's getting up to walk over to them.

"It's a--uh, never mind." Bucky starts, looking a little confused and then laughing it off. "You're very high strung. You should try yoga."

Steve smirks a little at that, and thinks about how much time he's spent meditating with Laura on their back porch. "My friend's wife says the same thing. Makes me meditate with her in the afternoons." Steve's oversharing, and he knows he should really walk away, especially now as they're out in the open. But there's something almost magnetic keeping him in place in front of Bucky, like he's the earth and Steve's the moon caught in his gravitational field.

"She friends with your wife?" Bucky asks, and Steve almost throws up into the trash can. It reminds him so much of when Bucky would cajole him into a double date, one where the girls would end up both wrapped around his arms while Steve walked behind them, seething jealousy in silence. And then Bucky would kiss him hard in the bathroom, and Steve would have to stay in there for a few seconds to stop himself from passing out. He doesn't figure that'll happen now, what with his new lungs, and all.

"I'm sure if I had a spouse they'd be very good friends." Steve says, and tries to keep it out of his voice when his heart feels like it's being squeezed.

Bucky looks at the ground and Steve swears that he mouths the word 'spouse' over to himself before looking back up. "So um, are you--how long you here for?" He sounds like the words feel unfamiliar in his mouth.

"Just uh, not long." Steve says, and he suddenly feels eyes on his back (it could just be paranoia but); he decides it's time for him to move. "I gotta go, B-- uh, enjoy your book." Steve says, suddenly feeling very choked up, and side steps past Bucky, and breaks into a run. 

When he gets back to the compound, he throws up bile in one of the nearest bushes.

Wanda's sitting at the kitchen counter, bowl of cereal in her hands, half a smirk on her face. "Are you pregnant, Steve?" She asks, no doubt having witnessed the vomit incident.

Steve laughs and pulls at one of her braids. She's in one of Sam's sweatshirts, and Steve can't help but grin. "Are you?"

She snorts and shakes her head. "I've got too much to do to have a baby." She says, creating a dome over her stomach with her hand.

. 

Tony had to go to a convention, left about five hundred messages on the server for him, all saying that he's sorry, that if Steve would just stay a few more days they could talk. Steve doesn't listen to all of them. 

He gets antsy sitting around all day, so he calls Peter, and he meets him at the deli across from his aunt's apartment. Steve asks him to tell him about school, about his plans for college, and Peter does, excitedly, talking with his hands a lot. It's refreshing.

The bodega cat has curled up in Steve's lap, happily purring, and he wonders if it's the beard that makes animals drawn to him.

Peter's still talking about the scholarships he's researched for NYU and Columbia, as if Tony wouldn't pay it all in a heart beat. He reasons that it makes Pete feel a bit like a freeloader when Tony buys him stuff, even though that's not the case.

"Tony loves you like you're his son, you know that?" Steve blurts out, and Peter's eyes widen before he blushes and starts stuttering. "I just feel like you don't think he does, for real. But he does, Pete." 

"I--I know, Sir, I just don't want him to feel like I'm taking advantage of him." Peter whispers, and Steve can't help but laugh.

"Kid, no one in the world could take advantage of Tony Stark if they wanted to." It's almost like that's what he needs to hear, because his shoulders relax, and he nods.

"I'm still gonna apply," He mumbles, and Steve would expect nothing less.

Steve walks him home, because he's like that, and then pulls his hood up over his head on his way to the metro.

He gets off the train in Brooklyn because he's old, and he's sentimental, and muscle memory, as well as actual memory take him back to the block where Steve and Bucky's tiny apartment used to be. There's a new building there, taller, nicer paint. It's getting dark now, and Steve knows he probably looks really suspicious, standing across the street in a hoodie just staring at a building. But he can't be bothered to care. He feels that same weird magnetic pull again. 

The wind picks up and his nose gets the tiniest bit cold, and it plunges Steve into a memory of their heater being out. His hands clammy and shaking, a cough rooted deep in his chest that made his ribs heave. And Bucky, god, Bucky, always warm, always there, always finding a way to warm Steve up even a little bit.

"Alright, pal, you're definitely stalking me." Bucky says, jarring Steve out of his misery memory pool. He's standing on the same side of the street as Steve, holding a bag of plums in one hand and his phone in the other. He has headphones hanging around his neck. 

"How do I know you're not stalking me?" Steve asks, feeling bold suddenly. It probably has something to do with the fact that he feels comfortable here.

Bucky laughs, loud and exuberant, and Steve so badly wants to kiss him. "Touché, Steven." It makes Steve's stomach churn, hearing him say it like that, carrying no worried tone that used to accompany it. "Um, I--do you want to come inside?" Bucky says, gesturing at the building behind Steve.

Steve almost chokes on his tongue in an attempt to stop himself from saying _yes_ immediately. "I...should go." Steve says finally, taking a step back, flicking his eyes to the rooftops, partly to check for any tails, partly so he doesn't have to look at Bucky's face as he frowns. "I wish-" He starts, but then stops himself. There's too many things he wishes for to be able to condense it into a sentence. "Good night." He says finally, turns around, and walks away.

It feels like pulling glass out of a wound, walking away from him.

. 

Steve decides he can't stay for the whole weekend, so he throws his bag in his car and then jogs back into the building to say goodbye to everyone. He feels suffocated, but he has manners.

He only finds Sam on his first round through, so he gives him a long hug. "You should just stay." Sam says, and Steve sighs.

"I can't." He whispers, and Sam gives him a long look that borders pity before punching him in the shoulder and telling him to shave.

Steve's in the kitchen, writing a note for everyone else ( _it was great to see you all, love, Steve_ ), weighs it down with what used to be his coffee mug, and walks back out to the garage.

Natasha is leaning against the boot of his car, and Steve smiles a little, because she just seems to know. 

"Tony's gonna be real upset that you left without saying goodbye." Natasha says, turning to face him once he walks up.

Steve shrugs. "He did it first." 

Nat laughs and loops her arms around his neck, hugging him for a few before stepping back. She slides her sunglasses onto the bridge of her nose. "I'm gonna come visit. Not you, the kids, but, I'm sure Laura will let you know when." Nat says, and Steve nods. 

"They're so big now, you're gonna freak out." Steve says, and Natasha groans, tells him not to remind her. 

"Take care of yourself, okay?" She says, quietly, putting a hand on his cheek. "Please engage in human interaction."

"I engage in--"

"Clint doesn't count." 

Steve sighs and agrees with a roll of his eyes, and Nat pats his cheek twice. "Leave before I handcuff you to something to make you stay." She says, and it makes him laugh. She stays until Steve can't see her through the rearview anymore.

.

So Steve starts going to the farmer's market nearby more often, as per Natasha's request. He makes small talk with the vendors, and eventually gets to a point of comfort with them, asking about their kids, and their wives. There's a girl that makes jams that makes eyes at him every time he goes, and it makes his skin feel like it's too tight on him. He begs the paranoid part of his brain to calm down, but having eyes on his back the whole time makes him want to scream.

He's holding an apple when someone taps him on the shoulder, and it spooks him so bad that he squeezes a little too hard, and gets apple guts absolutely everywhere. He looks up at Jenny, the owner of the stand, with wide eyes, and apology already on his lips, but she just barks out a startled laugh, and goes to get him a paper towel.

He turns to look at who tapped him, and it's that girl, the blonde jam one. "Oh boy, I'm sorry if I scared you." She says, eyeing the remains of the apple in his fist.

"I--wasn't expecting it." He says, and takes the paper towel from Jenny gratefully, wiping down most of his shirt and forearm. "Do you need something?" He asks when she still hasn't talked.

"Oh! Um, yeah I just...I've seen you around my my friend told me that I should just stop being a wimp and like, ask you out?" She says quickly, and Steve laughs a little. "So, do you want to maybe go get dinner, sometime?" Her eyes go down to the dog tags on his chest, two sets that he hadn't bothered to tuck today.

"I'm--sorry." He starts, trying to find the best way to explain that he's in love with someone that doesn't remember him. "I'm emotionally unavailable." He says, parroting what Natasha had said to him so many years ago.

She looks like she's gonna pass out. "Right. Okay. That's fine." She takes a step back. "Don't worry about it. Enjoy your day." Her voice is high and reedy, and she all but runs away. 

Steve blinks and turns back to the fruit stand, where Jenny is standing with her tanned, tattooed forearms crossed. "Please don't." Steve says, and she just laughs. "I'm gonna pay for this." He says, dropping the splintered apple core into the trash bin.

"That's fine. I've just never seen anyone crush an apple like that." She chuckles and he only winces a little.

.

Steve's sitting on his porch, drawing, when Cooper rides by on his bike. "Steeeeeve!" He yells, and Steve looks up. "Nat's here!" He says excitedly, and pedals off. 

The air is brisk now, so he grabs a sweater before running over to the Barton's. It's only two miles, so Steve does it easy.

Their front door is open, but Steve still knocks, announcing himself before toeing his shoes off at the door. Lila barrels into his side, squeezing him in a tight hug and saying _hi uncle steve_ before taking his hand and pulling him into the kitchen. Laura is stirring something that smells incredible on the stove, and she gives him a smile and a wave when she sees him.

He barely asks where Natasha is before he's getting an armful of her, dressed down in loose jeans and a hoodie. "Hi," He says, laughing a little. 

"How are you so damn warm?" She asks once she's pulled away from the hug. Steve shrugs, something about the serum. "Tony's here." She says quietly, and Steve raises an eyebrow. "Said he needed to talk to you." 

"Why would you compromise my location like that?" Steve whines, only meaning it a little. Nat kicks his shin softly. 

"He's in the barn." She says, and he sighs, excusing himself from the house to go find Tony. The grass is wet under his socks, and in retrospect he really should've put his shoes back on.

He finds Tony under the tractor, sleeves rolled up to his elbows. "Can't go a minute without fixing something, huh?" Steve asks, and Tony jumps.

"Fuck, ow, Cap, you nearly beheaded me." Tony grumbles, shimmying his way out from under the tractor and standing up. They both wince when his knees pop. He gives Steve a once over and crosses his arms. "You didn't say goodbye. You look like someone's grandfather, by the way.

Steve laughs, putting his hands in his pockets. "I'm old enough to be." He says, and Tony rolls his eyes, slapping the wrench against the palm of his hand.

"Do you know how hard it was to get Nat to let me come with her?" He says, and Steve can imagine. "It was like pulling teeth from an alligator that didn't have a mouth." 

He walks over to a hay bale, sits down, and pats the spot next to him. "You might wanna sit."

So he does, and Tony begins to talk in his roundabout way. "Point is, they're not tailing him anymore. Not enough manpower." Tony says, and Steve feels like he's crashed a plane into ice all over again. "So, you know, if you ever do run into him again, you're not gonna get taken in--or out." 

Steve doesn't know what to say, doesn't know if he can say anything at this point. He pins his hands between his thighs, an old habit he's yet to kill. "I can--I can see him?"

Tony nods. "Just don't go blabbing about everything. Pretty sure it'd freak him out at this point." He puts a hand on Steve's back, and Steve exhales.

"Okay," He says quietly. Tony smiles.

"Okay."

Steve excuses himself to the bathroom before dinner and sits under the sink, both hands over his mouth, counting the stitches on the cross stitch of a flower above the toilet. If he doesn't he'll do something stupid, like run all the way back to New York or break his hands against a tree.

.

He doesn't go back to New York right away. Figures he should maybe take some time to calm down and figure out how to talk to Bucky without saying _hey you were born in a hundred sum years ago and so was I and you were my boyfriend but only in private because it was real illegal back then_. 

So he chops wood, a lot of it, changes all the tires on his car, takes out a wall between two bedrooms to make one big room. He's stalling, and Laura calls him out on it when she stops by with the kids on a bike ride.

"Steve, just go." She says, sighing and putting a hand on her stomach. That makes Steve raise an eyebrow, but she doesn't catch it. "You're running out of things to break." She juts her chin out to the slabs of drywall outside. 

Steve sighs and looks over to where Cooper and Nathaniel are trying to get close to a group of deer. "What if--" Steve starts, but then feels his throat close up a little, and puts his face in his hands.

"What's wrong Uncle Steve?" Lila asks, skipping up the stairs and putting a tiny hand on Steve's head, and it feels like absolution. "Are you scared to go see your boyfriend?" She says, and he laughs.

"He's not my boyfriend anymore." He rubs his eyes and looks up. She's wearing her hair in pigtailed braids that she obviously did herself. "You're real cute, you know that?" He taps her nose, and she giggles, putting her little hands on her cheeks.

Laura gives him a look, and Steve sighs dramatically before standing up. "Fine. Water my plants, please." He says, and Laura salutes him.

.

He feels particularly nauseous when he pulls up to the compound, shifting the car into park and shouldering his bag. 

"Hey Jarvis." He says upon walking in, and Jarvis greets him. The common area always seems to be empty when he gets there. 

But before long, Wanda finds him in his room, sketching, and promptly uses whatever twin mind connection to get Pietro into the room, and suddenly it's a slumber party, popcorn and everything.

And that's how Tony finds them, Wanda lying with her head on Steve's stomach, Pietro with his legs over hers, and Sam squeezed between them, arm around Steve's shoulder.

"You know, this door does close. And lock." He says, looking very amused. Sam throws a piece of popcorn at him.

"There's plenty of room." Steve says, giggling as Tony rolls his eyes and sits on the edge of the bed.

"With this much moral support, you better buck up--no pun intended--and go get your man." Tony says, grabbing a handful of popcorn. He's wearing those infuriatingly tiny and pink glasses that he says makes his headaches better.

Steve wants to laugh and scream at the same time.

.

It takes two days for them to run into each other again--quite literally this time, Steve being so focused on keeping a somewhat normal pace that he doesn't really realize that he's running in the middle of the sidewalk, and clips someone's shoulders. His reflexes are fast enough to catch himself, turn, and catch the other person's arm before they fall into the fence.

"Whoa! Jesus-- oh," Bucky says, following the hand that's on his bicep up the arm to Steve's face. "Hey," He's a little breathless, his cheeks a little flushed. Which Steve finds strange, since he knows he was pumped with a serum similar to the one they put in him.

"Hi," Steve says, his brains going blank. 

"You uh, sure you're not following me?" Bucky asks, tilting his head to the side, lopsided smile gracing his lips.

Steve laughs, and shakes his head. "You caught me redhanded, pal." He says, letting go of his arm to put his hands up. There's a red handprint on Bucky's bicep that fades quickly. Steve feels like he's gonna pass out.

"Um," Bucky's eyes stay on that same handprint until it fades completely. "Have you eaten yet?"

"No, have you?" Steve says immediately, though he remembers eating a banana before leaving in the morning. Bucky shakes his head. "Great, it's a date." He says without meaning to, and Bucky's mouth drops open a little.

"Yeah," He agrees simply, and runs a metal hand through his hair. "We can, um, let's go this way? There's a breakfast joint somewhere around here." Steve turns on his heels and they walk.

Bucky gets scrambled eggs on toast and picks out the tomatoes with a sour look on his face. It's too familiar, and Steve almost crushes his fork. "Who even puts tomatoes in scrambled eggs?" Bucky mutters to himself, and Steve laughs a little.

"Not sweet on tomatoes, are you?" Steve asks, though he knows the answer.

"Absolutely not." Bucky says, not even skipping a beat. 

Steve gives him his phone number, albeit a little hesitantly, when he asks, and they make plans for dinner the next day. It must be written all over his face, because Wanda all but squeals when he walks in, attacking him with a hug.

He sends a frantic text to Tony, _restaurants???_. He gets an exasperated phone call from Pepper, saying that they've made them reservations, and the check is covered, and in Tony's words 'go crazy, Capsicle'.

.

After dinner, Steve drops Bucky off at his building, and he says goodnight with a pat to Steve's knee that sends his brain reeling.

.

The first time Steve kisses him, it's more of an accident. Bucky's getting out of the car at his building, and Steve leans over to give him a kiss, more muscle memory than anything else. 

And he can't say anything except, "Close your mouth, you'll catch flies." 

.

Once that dam has breached, Bucky kisses him like it's life support, one hand on the back of his neck, the other on his ribs. Steve thanks God (not just the one) that he's pressed against a wall, because his knees would've easily given out if not for that.

"God," Steve swears, thumbs pressing against the dip of Bucky's jaw. 

"Shouldn't curse like that, Stevie." Bucky whispers, and Steve gets a really painful flashback, but then Bucky is kissing him again, and he's there.

Steve catches himself pulling him closer by his belt loops, hard enough that one of them rips. "Oh," Steve laughs, breathless. "Sorry."

"Don't care." Bucky says and lets Steve slot him against his hips. "Do you want--d'you wanna come inside?"

It's the second time he's asked that, and Steve doesn't stop himself when he says yes this time.

. 

When he wakes up, the shower's on, and he's not in his own bed. The pillow smells familiar but foreign at the same time, and Steve's heart aches a little. He tries not to be sad when he thinks about how this is the first time Bucky's seen him (really seen him, not a quick _just to make sure you're real, Stevie_ in an army tent after Steve carried him out of that Nazi base) since the serum.

Steve rolls over onto his back as the shower shuts off, and he yawns spectacularly, feels it all the way down to his chest, finding his briefs on the floor and shimmying them on, under the covers still.

The door opens and Bucky walks out, towel around his hips. He jumps a little and puts his hand over his heart. "I didn't think you'd be up." 

Steve shrugs, tucking his hands behind his head. "Perpetual early riser." And it's definitely not a lie. He remembers waking up with Bucky and the sun, as if they're different, when he'd have to go work, leaving with a kiss on the forehead and a quiet _go back to sleep, baby_.

Bucky just gives him a little smile and grabs some clothes out of a drawer before heading into the bathroom again. He walks back out in sweats, the white band of his Calvin Klein briefs peeking out over the waist band.

"C'mere." Steve says, unable to help himself, the words tumble off his lips like an open faucet. 

Bucky gives him a look, but gets onto the bed still, knees on either side of Steve's leg. "I'm gonna make you breakfast."

Steve laughs, tucking his face into his bicep. "I should be making _you_ breakfast."

"Listen buddy, this my my house, okay?" Bucky says, hands on his hips. It's the same stance Steve has seen a million times. 

"You gon' ask me how I like my eggs?" Steve can't help his smile, it feels like it's gonna rip his face in half. He reaches out to catch Buck's wrist in his hand, thumb pressing into his pulse point.

"Was thinkin' hot cakes, if I'm honest. More appropriate." He winks, and Steve throws his pillow at him.

.

When he gets back to the compound that night, it must be incredibly obvious to everyone, again. He's really gotta learn how to control his face. Tony walks into the kitchen and does a double take. "You got laid." He says, smiling comically wide. He has engine grease on his cheek. 

"Tony," Steve says, quietly, bemusedly. 

"You definitely got laid." He pegs Steve with a bolt. It bounces off his pec. "Jarvis, play some celebration music! No! Play I Just Had Sex by Lonely Island." 

Steve wishes the ground would swallow him up when the speakers start blasting music, and then Pietro's sitting on the counter, looking very amused as Steve's cheeks turn hot red.

"You're all going to hell." He says, promptly jogging up the stairs, covering his ears with his hands to tune out both the music, and Tony (and Sam) singing aggressively along to it.

.

They spend a disgusting amount of time together in the two months that Steve stays in New York, so much so that he runs out of clothes, and ends up waking up in Bucky's room more than his own.

They're watching a movie when Bucky pokes his thigh. "How come we never go to your place?"

"I'm staying at a friend's," Steve says, tracing his thumb over Bucky's collarbone, over the scar tissue that's built up there. He still hasn't asked, figures he should let Bucky talk about it first, see what he knows (or thinks he knows).

Bucky makes a soft sound and turns so their stomachs are pressed together. Steve can't help himself when he leans forward to kiss his forehead. "Where do you actually live?"

Steve groans and tilts his head back to it's against the arm rest of the couch. (It's a miracle they both fit on it, really.) "North."

"North? That's comprehensive." Bucky laughs, his face in Steve's neck. 

He feels a little light-headed because it used to be the other way around, Steve crowding up into Bucky's space when he wanted something, still small enough to fit.

"It's nothing special," Steve says, smoothing his hand down Bucky's back. "Just a house."

"How long you staying for?"

"I was planning on heading out tonight." He says, honestly, and suddenly regrets it. The pipes in his house are finicky, and if he doesn't go back and turn them he'll be out of water for the foreseeable future. (He could always ask Clint to do it, but.)

"And you'll be back when?" 

"Soon," Steve says, and he feels Bucky's smile. "Yeah, soon."

.

Steve spends two weeks in his house, and Bucky calls him every other night to make sure he's not dead (his words).

He's on the phone as he gets to Clint's, Bucky's trying to fix his stove, and Steve has half a mind of just sending Tony over there to do it for him.

"There's a--loose fucking wire." Bucky says, muffled.

"I swear to God--" _don't say His name that way_ "if you get yourself stuck behind the stove I'm gonna kick your ass." Steve stays, and Nathaniel looks up at him with big eyes.

"You said a dirty word." He says and holds out his hand. "Quarter for the jar, Uncle Steve!" 

Steve laughs and holds up his index finger and manages to find a quarter in his pocket, putting it in Nathaniel's little hand, smiling as he runs to the swear jar, and stands on his tip toes to drop it in.

"Uncle Steve? Didn't know you had siblings." Bucky says, huffing. The metal screeching sound that comes from the phone makes Steve sigh. 

"I don't. Just close friends' kids." He goes into the kitchen to say hi to Laura, kissing her temple, and running up the stairs to drag Clint down for dinner before Laura has to yell.

"Oh really? That's cute." Bucky says, and Steve hears more metal whining.

"Please stop mauling your stove." Steve all but begs, and looks down when he feels a pull on his T-shirt. He crouches down and says hi to Lila, blows a raspberry on her cheek that makes her squeal.

"Uncle Steve, is your boyfriend your boyfriend again?" She asks, and he laughs.

"Yeah, he is bub. Go downstairs and make your brothers help your ma with dinner, kay?" He says, and she nods before going downstairs.

"Oh so I'm your boyfriend now, huh?" Bucky asks, and Steve wants to roll his eyes.

"Aren't you?" Steve says; _haven't you always been?_. 

He finds Clint in the upstairs office, looking at a coordinate map on a computer. He knocks on the door, and gets no response before he realizes that he's not wearing his hearing aids. He walks in and puts his hand on Clint's shoulder and pins the phone between his ear and shoulder to sign _dinner_ as best he can.

"Buck, please leave your stove alone, Christ, I'll get someone to look at it soon." Steve says when he hears Bucky curse loudly. "Just leave it, kay? Lemme handle it. I gotta go now."

"You gon' call me later?" Bucky asks, and Steve tries to hide a grin by biting his bottom lip.

"Depends." He says nonchalantly, and Bucky laughs before saying bye, and hanging up.

"Things are going well then?" Laura asks once Steve sits down at his assigned seat at the table.

"Yeah," Steve says, trying and failing to hide his blush.

"Uncle Steve has a boyfriend!" Lila sing songs, and Clint laughs.

Cooper looks mighty confused, his little eyebrows all scrunched up. "Is it like, before mom and dad got married?" He asks, and Laura smiles, putting a hand over her heart.

"Yeah, a bit." 

"But you're both boys?" He stabs a meatball with his fork.

"It's like that sometimes." Steve says easily, and Cooper looks at him before nodding and saying _makes sense_.

"It can also be two girls, right Uncle Steve?" Lila asks, and he nods.

"You can be with whoever you want to be with. That's the beauty of living here and now." He says, and Clint just looks at him. 

"Cool," Lila says and takes a bite out of her bread.

-

Steve heads back to New York with an apple pie from Laura for everyone in the passenger seat.

"Hello, I have pie." He says, dropping his duffel on the floor.

"This is mine, thank you." Nat says, walking up and taking the pie from him.

"Hey, Laura said to share!" He yells after her, but she just gives him the finger and disappears upstairs.

"What's this about pie?" Bruce asks, walking out of the left wing. Steve hasn't seen him in a while.

"Your girl stole it from me." Steve says, hugging him before gesturing up the stairs. "You should go demand some, it'll be gone real fast."

Bruce laughs and jogs up the stairs, yelling Nat's name as he goes.

Steve doesn't really bother unpacking as he knows he's just gonna need to pack it back up to go to Bucky's. But right now he just really wants a Cuban sandwich.

So he texts Bucky and meets him at the little deli in Queens. The owner greets him, smiling wide, and the cat blinking slowly at them when Steve scratches it's chin. 

They sit at one of the little tables in the back, and Bucky props his legs up in Steve's lap. It feels comfortable, like home.

The door swings open, and Peter barges in, his headphones hanging out of the front of his shirt, skateboard in hand.

"Hey Ca---Steve." He says, catching himself when he sees who he's with. "When'd you get back?"

"'Bout an hour ago." Steve says, tapping Bucky's ankles to let him know he's about to stand. He gives Peter a hug, and they talk for a few while Peter orders his sandwich.

"I'll see you around, sir." Peter says, gives him a little salute before walking out.

"Who's that?" Bucky asks, wiping his mouth on a napkin.

"Friend's kid. The one I was shopping for." Steve says, smiling a little.

"Should thank him then, for basically introducing us." Bucky says, and Steve feels extremely poignant as he kisses Bucky's knuckles. 

"I should."

.

Bucky wakes up so violently that it jolts Steve awake too. He turns over to see Buck sitting up, breathing heavy with a hand over his heart. 

"You okay?" Steve asks, though he knows the answer, reaching out to touch him. As soon as his fingers reach his back, Bucky flinches so hard he almost falls off the bed, metal hand clamping around his wrist, turning to look at Steve with wide, feral eyes before realizing that it's him. 

"Yeah," He says quietly and sighs, letting go of Steve's arm. It leaves a bruise, Steve doesn't look at it. 

"You wanna tell me about it?"

Bucky shakes his head and lies back down. His chest is still heaving. "It's just--I have weird dreams." He says finally, and Steve bites the inside of his cheek. "It's always--I'm always the one holding the gun." He whispers, and Steve doesn't know what to do besides pull him into his chest and say _they're just bad dreams_.

.

"I feel like I've known you forever." Bucky says quietly, rubbing two fingers against the jut of Steve's collarbone. He can hear the metal joints whirring a little, and tries his hardest not to cry. But when he feels that it's inevitable, he just rolls onto his side and rests his chin on the top of Bucky's head so that he can blink tears away quickly before he notices.

"Me too," Steve says quietly, and bites the inside of his cheek so hard it bleeds.

.

"I feel like I'm dying." Steve says, lying on the fancy couch in Pepper's home office, looking up at the ceiling. She laughs at him a little and continues typing on her computer. "I don't--sometimes he just _says things_ that make me want to scream. Like, the other night he told me he felt like he's know me for years." The sound of typing stops. "How am I supposed to answer that?" He asks quietly, his voice breaking.

"I don't even know what they told him when he woke up." He says it miserably, and then he feels the cushions dip, and Pepper's holding his hand.

"And he--he has dreams, when he tells me I know that they're memories because I was there, too." He can't help the sob that breaks out of his chest, ripping him apart like a chainsaw.

"I'm sorry, Steve." Pepper says quietly, her voice soft and sad. He's sorry, too.

-

On Steve's birthday they sit under the bridge and watch the fireworks.

"Dunno why they made such a fuss 'bout your birthday." Bucky says, and Steve wants to walk into the water and drown. 

It reminds him of when they'd sit on the fire escape and watch fireworks, Bucky saying _Do you know how hard it was for me to set this up Stevie? Gave me a lot of shit down at the docks, a little kid asking for fireworks for my friend's birthday._ And Steve believed him, really did, for years until he came to the realization that the fireworks were in fact, not for him. Bucky still said the same every year _They're for you, doll._ , and Steve played along.

.

They're eating lunch outside when Steve catches sight of two men sitting on a bench across the street. It could be nothing, but then the bigger one presses a hand to his ear, and Steve sees the point of a red star peeking out of his sleeve, and his brain goes into combat mode.

"We need to go." Steve says immediately, pulling out some cash and leaving it on the table. He ignores Bucky's confused questions and pulls out his phone, texting Tony his location. He hopes he'll figure it out.

"Up, _up_ come on." Steve says urgently, holding his hand out to Bucky, who takes it without hesitation and Steve leads them out the front, keeping his eyes trained on the two men. They get up as Steve does, and he takes them on a sharp left, towards the compound, hoping that the team can meet them half way.

"Steve?" Bucky asks nervously, but he doesn't answer, spots two more men in black heading towards them from the other side of the small crowd.

One of them draws a gun, and Steve drags Bucky down onto the ground with him before the shots go off. "Stay here." Steve hisses, manhandling Bucky low to the ground and behind a trashcan. It's not much, but it's the best thing Steve can think of right now.

Everyone in the crowd is screaming, and scattering, but Steve doesn't even consider the fact that he doesn't have his shield as he charges them.

The first one goes down easy, a kick to the ribs that probably punctures a lung. Steve takes the gun from his limp hand on the floor, and fires two shots at his partner, both hit his forehead.

The other two are catching up, and the gun's out of bullets (what kind of idiot doesn't check to see if they have a full clip), so Steve takes off running and whips the gun as hard as he can at the smaller one's head.

"You think you can win this, Captain?" The one with the tattoo, the bigger one, asks, shrugging off his jacket easily. It falls to the floor, and Steve catches Bucky peek his head out of the garbage can out of the corner of his eye. "Just give him up."

"Never," Steve growls, and ducks a punch to the jaw, but takes one to the stomach. He's a little out of shape, it's been years after all.

It registers after a few hits to the face that this man is definitely enhanced."Give up, Captain." 

There's blood running down his nose and into his mouth, so he spits as much as he can onto the ground. "I could do this all day." Steve says, and lands a hard hit to the ribs, catches a fist that flies towards him, and kicks up off the ground, gets his thighs around the agent's neck and brings them both down.

He has him pinned, knee to the throat, and he's about to ask who the fuck he thinks he is when he sees the red dot on the center of his chest and barely has time to jump away before the shot fires. It lands in his arm, through the top of his bicep, and he tries not to scream.

"Steve!" He hears Bucky scream, and then there's another shot, and Steve really feels that one, it hits next to his bellybutton.

"Stay down!" Steve manages to grate out, spitting up more blood in the process of dragging himself behind one of those stand up ads. The bullet hole in his arm is still bleeding, his once grey shirt now stained dark red. "God, Tony, for once in your life be on time." Steve growls to no one in particular, and peeks his head out past the ad. The rooftops look clear, but he can't be sure.

The man Steve took down earlier is starting to stand now, making his way to where Bucky's still crouched behind the trashcan. 

"Motherfucker," Steve takes a deep breath and stands up, he waits until the agent's close enough and tackles him, landing them at least ten yards away from where he's hidden Bucky. It's not a very good hiding place, he realizes, as Bucky's quite a lot bigger than the bin itself.

"Stay," Steve grabs his collar and picks it up before slamming his head on the ground. He hears bone crack. "Away," He does it again, and then places his hands around his neck. "From him." He's choking him earnestly now, putting all his weight onto the heels of his palms.

"Steve!" Tony yells, finally, landing next to him and pushing him off the unconscious man. "If you kill him, we get no answers." Tony reminds, and Steve sighs, spits out another mouthful of blood, and falls back on his heels.

Steve opens his mouth to say something, and then there's the screech of feedback that makes his eyes jerk up. The voice is crackly through whatever speaker they're using, probably a megaphone, but it's distinctly Russian, and Steve can remember staring at those words, reading them over and over again until they were ingrained in his memory. 

"желание", _longing_

Steve stands up and tries to see where it's coming from.

"ржавый" _rusted_

"семнадцать" _seventeen_

"рассвет" _daybreak_

It's happening too fast, Steve can't find the source, but he sees Bucky crouching, looking at his hands like they don't belong to him.

"печь" _furnace_

" девять" _nine_

"доброкачественный" _benign_

Steve spots the HYDRA agent, finally, on a nearby rooftop with a megaphone and a notebook that looks suspiciously like the one Steve found at the last base. "Tony, take him out." Steve yells over the next two words. 

"возвращение на родину" _homecoming_

" один" _one_

"Take him out, take him out," Steve is yelling even though Tony's in mid flight.

"грузовой вагон" _freight car_

"No, no, no, no!" Steve screams, and hears the blast as the last word (солдат) reaches them. He's standing in front of Bucky now, his heart in his throat as he, against all better judgement, including Natasha's warning _Cap,_ , reaches out to touch his shoulders.

And then Bucky speaks, Russian sounding tired, a quiet _ready to comply_.

"Buck," Steve says quietly, pressing his fingertips to his shoulders, and it's as if that's the trigger, because then Bucky's metal hand is around his neck, lifting Steve a few inches off the ground. "It's me," Steve chokes out, and Bucky's eyes stay cold, and Steve gets disgusting deja vu.

Nat shocks him with tasers off her gauntlet, and Steve crumples onto the ground, taking a very painful breath before finding his way back up to his feet.

It goes against everything in him to fight Bucky, especially now, especially after all this time of faux normalcy. But he does, along with Nat's help because he can barely stand. He doesn't see the blow coming, mostly because the outside corners of his vision are going spotty, but it lands on the fresh bullet wound, and Steve's floored, and then he feels two cold fingers press into the bullet hole, and he screams. Partly because it hurts, partly because Nat's on Bucky's shoulders, garroting wire around his neck and one of his wrists. Bucky falls backwards, but not before kicking Steve in the hip, sending him stumbling onto the ground.

He sits up anyways, despite Tony's frantic _stay down_ , and gets on his feet, watching Nat get thrown into a table, then ducking an arm, then a leg.

Steve mostly watches as Nat gets up, roundhouses Bucky in the face, wincing a little as Tony hits him in the chest with a blast from both hands. He sits on the ground once Nat finds a way to knock him out onto his stomach (chair to the back of the neck), and cuff him. It's all too painfully familiar.

"It was HYDRA, Tony, I thought we got them all." Steve says weakly, pressing a hand to his bleeding stomach. "We got them all." He says again, and then bends over to throw up, mostly blood and bile.

.

Bucky wakes up in a makeshift hospital bed, his hands in reinforced cuffs still, just for precaution. 

Steve jolts up, ignoring the pain in his stomach as he walks over to sit on the edge of the bed.

"Steve what the fuck--" Bucky starts, but Steve ignores it for a second, putting his hand on Bucky's cheek and mumbling the phrase Natasha taught him years ago, just in case. "What the fuck," Bucky says again, and Steve sighs. "Why am I--" He pulls at the cuffs. "What the _fuck_ just happened?"

"What do you remember?" Steve asks quietly, and Bucky rakes his eyes over him. He's still in his bloodied shirt.

"Jesus, Steve, you're bleeding." He says urgently, trying to touch him but failing. "I--we were in--my brain tapped out, Stevie, and it's like I could see but I couldn't control my body." Bucky says, quietly, and Steve wants to cry. "I hurt you."

Steve shakes his head. "Nothing I haven't felt before, Buck." He says, touching Bucky's face again. "I'm gonna explain everything soon, okay? I promise." Steve says, and Bucky nods reluctantly, letting Steve stand up and walk out of the room.

.

Steve heals quickly, so he can manage with just a thick bandage wrapped around his arm and abdomen. He sits in the room with Tony, and the still unconscious HYDRA agent.

It's a tiring, three hours of them trying to get him to talk, but to no avail. Steve's already put a hole in the wall as well as some cracks in his knuckles. He's still in his bloodied shirt, and he's sure the purple handprint around his neck makes him look quite rattled, but he doesn't care.

"You don't wanna talk? That's fine." Steve says, rolling his shoulders. "You don't have to." 

"Steve," Tony says, worried, as Steve walks out of the room and finds Wanda.

"I need a favor." He says, and she just nods, no questions asked. "I'll make it up to you, I swear." He says once she notices the look on her face after he's told her what she needs to do. 

"Absolutely not." Banner says, walking into the room, crossing his arms. He looks a lot like a dad. "Steve, she's barely an adult. You cannot ask her to do this."

Steve knows, in his heart that this isn't fair, or a good idea. But it's the only one he has. "I'm not asking her to torture him." Steve says, and Bruce groans.

"I can make decisions for myself, doctor." Wanda says, surprising them both. "I want to help."

"Thank you," Steve says, unable to stop himself from giving her a hug, and they walk back to the set up interrogation room.

Tony's eyes go wide, but he takes a step back, anyways.

"Tell me where your base is." Steve asks again, and the man just spits at him. It lands near his feet. "Alright." Steve takes a step back to stand next to Tony, and gives Wanda a small nod.

The agent laughs, and Steve understands why--she's in blue striped pajama shorts and an I love New York hoodie that has a little blood on it form where Steve hugged her, her hair up in a loose bun. She doesn't look very intimidating. That is until her fingers start glowing red, and she presses two against his temple. It's a bit hard to look at as his eyes go red, and his skin turns scarily translucent. 

He's shaking and when Wanda steps back, she has a triumphant smile on her face. 

"Now can I kill him?" Steve asks, only half joking, and Tony gives him a look before they walk out.

.

"Suit up," Steve yells through the compound as he jogs to the armory, finds his uniform hanging where he left it. His arm and stomach still hurt, but not unbearably, and the bruise around his neck is starting to fade. He picks up his shield, the weight feeling foreign in his hands, and clips it to his back.

"Where do you think you're going?" Tony asks, eyeing the uniform.

"You're joking." Steve says, and Tony shakes his head.

"You got shot, twice. And strangled. You probably have a shit ton of internal bleeding." Tony says, seriously, and Steve groans.

"I'm fine. Fast healing and all that." He says, but Tony's still skeptical. "Do not leave without me." There's an implied _or else_ that Steve hopes gets conveyed.

He finds Bucky's room again, and knocks before walking in.

"Whoa." Bucky says in disbelief.

"Hi," Steve says, sitting on the edge of the bed again. "I gotta go. But I'll be back soon, okay? And then I promise I'll explain everything." 

"Are you Captain America? What the fuck, Steve, there's articles everywhere that say you died or some shit." Bucky says, and Steve laughs. "I thought you looked a little familiar but the, beard and shit, your hair's darker, I thought I was just crazy. Or stupid." Bucky says, making a soft laughing noise more at himself than anything.

"You should relax." Steve says, means it. "I'll get Bruce in here to teach you some meditation routines."

Bucky scoffs. "I don't need to meditate, Steven, you dense motherfucker--."

"I know, I know. Just. Wait for me." Steve says, and Bucky just sighs before nodding. Steve leans over and kisses his forehead.

.

Steve finds himself kneeling over the last HYDRA commander, knees on his elbows. All of today has just been weird deja vu.

"Captain America," The man says, in slight disbelief. "We thought you were dead.

"Bold of you to assume that I can die." Steve says, and he hears Peter snicker behind him. It's something he picked up from being around him, and it surprises even Steve himself that that was the first thing out of his mouth. "Is this the last base?" Steve asks, and the man doesn't give him any answers, predictably, until Steve drives his shield into his collarbone, snapping it clean in half. It gets him a strangled, screaming yes, and Steve slides the shield back onto his back.

"Cut one head off--" The man starts, despite the blood trickling out of his mouth, but Nat's foot comes down onto his throat.

"I'm really fucking tired of hearing that." She says as an explanation, and Steve wants to laugh, but then he hears a single, distant beep.

"It's gonna blow." He says urgently, "Get out! It's coming down." He yells, and debates on whether he should leave the man there or not.

It seems that his second of debating is one too many, because there's a loud boom, and Steve's getting blasted backwards. He feels a sharp pain in his shoulder, and then pressure around his lower back before he blacks out.

When he opens his eyes again, he's on the jet, and Tony and Natasha are bickering about something. His shoulder still hurts.

"Guys," He says weakly, and they turn to look at him.

"Hey, Cap. You have a piece of rebar in you." Tony says, and Natasha smacks his arm. Steve looks down to see that he does, in fact, have a piece of metal sticking out through his shoulder.

He groans and tries to sit up, but Nat presses a hand to his unhurt shoulder and keeps his steady. "Take it out." He mumbles, and Tony sighs exasperatedly.

"That's what I said." Pietro says, appearing to sit next to Steve. "Fast. Like a bandaid."

"I agree, just--" Steve starts saying, and then the metal is gone, and Pietro is standing on the opposite side of the jet holding it in his hands. It's at least two feet long. Steve's too stunned to scream.

"Jesus, kid, a little warning would've been nice." Tony says through gritted teeth and goes to find the first aid kit.

"You're lucky that missed your heart." Natasha says, taking the gauze from Tony and pressing it to the bleeding wound.

"Lucky isn't the word I'd use to describe today." Steve says weakly, and it pulls a laugh from her. "How'd you get me out?"

"Peter pulled out out." Tony says, and Steve sees him lying over three seats, one arm in a sling. "Wasn't expecting you to be so heavy, dislocated his shoulder a little." Tony explains, standing over by Peter's sleeping body and looking down at him. "He heals fast, he'll be okay." 

.

Steve's brain is on autopilot when he gets back to the compound--take off uniform, shower, change bandage, sleep--and he doesn't realize that Bucky's in his room til he gets out of the bathroom. He falls onto his bed, wincing a little and feels Bucky's hand on his back.

"Who uncuffed you?" Steve mumbles, half asleep.

"Bruce. He's very nice." Bucky says, and Steve manages to laugh. "He also--"

"Buck, shut up." Steve pleads, turning onto his side and pulling Bucky down on top of him.

.

When Steve wakes up, he's healed.

"How long was I out?" Steve asks when he sees Tony standing in the doorway.

"Thirty four hours." Tony says, and Steve sighs. "At least you're not full of holes anymore." 

"Yeah," Steve says, sitting up, pleased to notice no pain. "Where--"

"He's downstairs." Tony says before turning on his heels and walking away.

Steve figures he should take a shower before going down. None of the bullets left scars, but there's a small one where the the rebar pierced through. Funny how that works.

.

Bucky's downstairs holding a coffee mug, talking to Sam when Steve comes down.

"Hey sleeping beauty." Sam says, smiling and tossing a blueberry at him. Steve catches it and throws it back. 

"Mornin," He says, walking up behind them and putting his hands on Bucky's shoulders. "I see you've made friends."

Bucky shrugs, not looking up at Steve. (Something's off.) "Sam's easy to like."

Sam laughs and shakes his head. "Careful Cap, I'm gonna steal your man." 

Steve's fingers tighten on Bucky's shoulders. "I'd like to see you try." Steve says, coming out more protective than he'd intended.

Sam snickers and takes a drink of his coffee. "Right, I gotta go, do something not in this room." He says, taking his sandwich with him as he leaves.

Then it's just the two of them, and the last time Steve felt this nervous was when he stormed a Nazi base some seventy-plus years ago. "D'you wanna... go outside?" Steve asks quietly, and Bucky nods, putting his mug down (it's the one Steve used to use when he lived here).

.

"So," Bucky starts, and Steve feels very dizzy all of the sudden. He doesn't know why he ever thought this would be easy.

"Someone told you, didn't they? Was it Sam? I'm gonna kick his ass." Steve says, putting his hands on his hips.

Bucky laughs a little and puts his hand on Steve's elbow. "No, it wasn't Sam. It was Peter actually." Steve exhales and puts a hand on his forehead. "To be fair, I don't think he meant to. Just kind of slipped out."

"Who even let him in?" Steve whines, reminding himself to chastise Peter later.

Bucky laughs a little and lets his hand slide down to Steve's wrist. "It's okay. I don't think I could've handled hearing...all that from you." 

Steve swallows past the knot in his throat. "Don't think I could've handled telling you." He whispers, and looks up at the sky, blinking away the tears that have started to burn the back of his eyes.

"They...when I woke up they told me it had been a car accident." Bucky says quietly, and Steve bites the inside of his cheek. "Said I had retrograde amnesia. And I believed it, because I couldn't remember shit. It makes sense now, why I never even questioned you calling me Bucky even though no one else had." 

"I need, to sit." Steve says suddenly, sitting on the grass. Bucky sits next to him.

"I kept having these dreams, you know, like super weird vivid ones." Bucky says, and Steve puts his head between his knees. "There was one where--I was lying on a table, strapped down and someone came to save me-- they didn't have a face until I met you. Course I didn't know it was you. You didn't have a beard." He whispers, and Steve swears he's going to throw up. "Did that actually happen?"

Steve nods slowly. "Yes."

"And the--there's this one where we're on a bridge and everything's on fire."

"That, too." Steve says quietly.

"Well, I thought I was just having really weird recurring dreams of a guy I saw on TV once." Bucky says quietly, and Steve laughs a little. 

"Is there, um, anything else?" Steve asks, and doesn't get an answer for a while.

"Your mom's name was Sarah." He whispers, and Steve can't help himself when he starts crying. "You used to put newspapers in your shoes." That's not in any museum, or article, he knows--he's checked. "You forged your enlistment forms like six times?" 

Steve laughs. "I did. God, Buck, you were so mad at me." 

"I'm sure I was." Bucky chuckles. "I wish--I wish I could remember more." He says quietly, and Steve turns to look at him.

"There are some things I'm real happy you don't remember." 

.

Steve goes back to his house after a few days, tells Bucky that he's gonna give him some space to think, to call if he needs anything. Driving away hurts more than every bullet he's ever taken.

.

Laura makes him a sandwich, says she doesn't know if he's feeding himself when he's alone, and casually mentions that she's pregnant as she's spreading mayo over bread.

"Does Nat know?" Steve asked once he's hugged her. She shakes her head. "She's gonna be real sore at you when she finds out you told me first." He says, and Laura laughs.

"She'll get over it." Clint says, coming down the stairs and accepting Steve's hug and rushed _congratulations_. "I hear you got yourself blown up."

"Only a little." Steve shrugs, and Clint rolls his eyes.

.

Steve's painting on his back porch when Nat jumps up on it. "You didn't hear me knock?" She asks, and he throws a wet paint brush at her, she dodges it easily. It lands on the deck with an uncomfortable wet splat noise, and Steve wants to kick himself, because that's never gonna come out now.

"There's a doorbell, too, you crazy person." He says, and she laughs. 

"Where's the fun in that?" She puts her arm around his neck in what feels like it could be a chokehold, but ends up just being a hug. "There is someone at the front door for you, though." She says, and he stands up so fast that she has to take a few steps back. 

His heart is racing as he walks through the house to the front door. He takes a deep breath, and opens it.

'Hi," Bucky says, smiling. He's in a beanie and a leather jacket, a white T shirt underneath.

"Hi," Steve exhales, finally.

"You have paint on your face." Bucky says, swiping his thumb over the dried streak of blue paint on his cheek. "Aren't you cold?" He looks at Steve's rolled up sleeves and bare feet. "There's snow."

Steve shrugs. "I don't really get cold anymore. D'you wanna come in?" 

"You weren't kidding when you said you lived north." Bucky says once they're in the living room, and Steve laughs, sitting on the couch.

"It's nice. Quiet." 

"Far." Bucky adds.

Steve sighs. "I couldn't--they wouldn't let me be near you, and I...figured it'd be best to put some distance between us."

"Steven Grant Rogers, you're a hundred years old and you're still stupid." Bucky says, and it surprises Steve so much that he has to laugh.

"Guess I am." Steve says, and Bucky throws his beanie at him before going to stand in front of him. Steve has to look up to meet his eyes, and it's a strange comfort.

"Stupid." Bucky says again, but presses his thumb softly against Steve's bottom lip. 

.

"How long you staying for?" Steve asks, his face tucked into Bucky's chest.

"As long as you'll have me."

"Forever, then?" Steve says quietly, and Bucky nods. _Forever, then._

\-- 

"Please shave your beard." Bucky mumbles, walking into the kitchen in naught but some sweats. "You shed all over the pillows like an animal."

Steve stabs at the eggs on the pan, a little offended. "I do not shed."

"You do." Bucky says, sliding his arms around Steve's waist and smushing his cheek up against his back. Steve can feel his stubble.

"If I shave then so do you." He says, a little vindictively. He's grown a little fond of the beard, if he's honest.

Bucky laughs and drags his cheek against Steve's bare skin, making it prickle in goosebumps. "I shaved a few days ago. You haven't shaved in years. It makes you look like a dad."

"Well you act so much like a child I might as well be." Steve says, unable to fight his smile.

"Hey," Bucky whines, pinches the skin under Steve's belly button, hard. "That's not very nice."

Steve laughs, turns off the stove and pats his hand over Bucky's. "You never liked me 'cuz I was nice." Steve says, and Bucky just bites the rise of his neck. "The eggs are gonna get cold." Steve says eloquently, and Bucky laughs, real and surprised.

"I don't give a damn about the eggs."

.

"If you won't do it, I will." Bucky says from the bathroom, and Steve laughs, but doesn't bother getting up from the bed. It's a mistake, because suddenly Bucky has him pinned with his knees, holding an electric clipper. "You think I'm bluffing?"

"Jesus, Buck. Don't do it on the bed, hair's gonna get everywhere." Steve says, but Bucky, predictably, doesn't listen, just tells him to hold still. "You're gonna clean it up." Steve says, though he knows he'll probably end up doing it himself. He doesn't really care though.

"Stay," Bucky says quietly, turning the clippers off and going into the bathroom again. Steve's neck is a little itchy from the tiny hairs now on the sheets under him. Bucky comes back with shaving cream, a razor, and a towel and a bowl of water. This wasn't practical at all, Steve thinks, as foamy water runs down his neck and onto the mattress, but rests his hands on Buck's calves anyways.

But Buck looks so focused, and his hands are so gentle on Steve's face that he really doesn't care, voice quiet as he tells him when to move.

"There," Bucky says, looking real pleased with himself as he pats some aftershave onto Steve's face. It stings a little. "All done."

"You happy now?" Steve asks, smiling and sitting up to kiss him, but Bucky backs away. Steve frowns.

"Wanna 'dmire my handiwork." He says, smug, and cups a hand under Steve's jaw. His eyes get glassy then, and Steve starts to panic a little. "Now I know it's really you, in my dreams."

Steve tries his hardest not to cry, he really does, but he can't help himself.

.

Steve ends up vacuuming and putting the sheets in the wash by himself, but when he comes out of the laundry room he finds Bucky in the kitchen making hot chocolate for them, and everything is forgiven.

"If the deer don't recognize me I'm gonna be real upset." Steve says, coming up behind Buck, giving him a kiss on the cheek anyways.

"As long as you have food, I'm sure they'll love you." Bucky says, laughing. "But if they don't, at least you got me." 

"Yeah," Steve says, happily tucking his face into his neck. "Nothing matters if I don't got you."

"God," Bucky says, sounding a little out of breath and Steve almost pokes into his side and tells him not to curse like that. Almost. "You're disgusting. I love you."

It's certainly not the first time he's said it, but it still makes Steve wanna cry. (If he gets it right, he does cry.)

He thinks they finally got it right.

**Author's Note:**

> title comes from "the world's first ever monster truck front flip" by the arctic monkeys off their new album which btw makes me feel like im some fancy lady in a velvet dress in an old casino trying to seduce some rich man so i can take his money and then kill him so i can then run away to elope with my girlfriend, whom was his maid and also stole all of his jewels so now we're twice as rich and we live in a villa in the italian countryside. that's all.
> 
>  
> 
> also how much clout does this need for someone to draw me some fucking art (pls)


End file.
